Sunday, July 3, 2016

Flashback This Morning

I was enjoying my morning, drinking coffee, reading a smut novel and watching TV all alone and blissful.  It is only a Friends rerun, until I noticed it was the finale.  I try to avoid the finale, actually I never seen the finale since it first played in 2004. It is just the finale. Right?  Well, I watched it in the ICU at UCLA.  I can’t really remember my 10 days in ICU, my memories come in snippets. Weird not focused memories.  I can remember the pain and the nausea after the surgery.  Oh God the pain!  Sorry to say this: I have been so happy to get my morphine shot.  I could tell when it wore off, and I have 15 more minutes to wait.  I will write more about the ICU stay later. I know that other Moya Moya survivors can relate! 

Today I am focusing on my flashback and Friends. I love Friends and their reruns. I love Big Bang Theory a little more, but Friends is a very close second.  I saw the finale this morning and the waterworks started. Oh shoot!  They are starting again while I write this unplanned post.  I am sure that I am not the only person that gets flashbacks. People in psychiatry call it Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.  I was never a soldier, but I am a Moya Moya survivor.  Per my therapist Evelyn says I have it due to my growing up in a  very dysfunctional family; the strokes; my crash and burn; and Moya Moya. I know that I am not alone.  Moya Moya survivors know when they had their surgeries and other milestones.  They post their anniversaries on Facebook.  I don’t post mine because I had a stroke after mine.  I will say Mother’s Day in 2004 was the best because I got to see my babies again after 10 days in ICU.

Back to Friends that finale is a clear 30 minute memory not a snippet.  I was placed in ICU near the two TV’s in the ward.  I was awake and so many people were not.  I might have cried because it was such a great ending.  Now I am cry because I am flooded not great recollections.  I remember being scared, actually terrified.  Sh*t!  I have another stroke! F&ck!  I knew what I would go through in rehabilitation – the third time.  I wanted to go home – out of the hospital. Anything to not be where I was!  Wondering how long this will take.  All of those memories flooded my peaceful Sunday morning. 

My daughter Jenan came out when I was sobbing.  By the way I hate sobbing in front of my family and friends. It is not pretty.  She asked some questions thinking it because the show.  I finally squeaked out “It is because of the memories and UCLA”.  She gave me a much needed hug - a hug filled with love and feeling sorry for me.  The best hug!  After getting myself together I knew that I had to write about it. 

Okay, I feel a little better after writing and crying some more. Hug your family a little tighter and enjoy your Sunday!  

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