Sunday, July 3, 2016
Flashback This Morning
I was enjoying my morning, drinking coffee, reading a smut novel and watching TV all alone and blissful. It is only a Friends rerun, until I noticed it was the finale. I try to avoid the finale, actually I never seen the finale since it first played in 2004. It is just the finale. Right? Well, I watched it in the ICU at UCLA. I can’t really remember my 10 days in ICU, my memories come in snippets. Weird not focused memories. I can remember the pain and the nausea after the surgery. Oh God the pain! Sorry to say this: I have been so happy to get my morphine shot. I could tell when it wore off, and I have 15 more minutes to wait. I will write more about the ICU stay later. I know that other Moya Moya survivors can relate!
Today I am focusing on my flashback and Friends. I love Friends and their reruns. I love Big Bang Theory a little more, but Friends is a very close second. I saw the finale this morning and the waterworks started. Oh shoot! They are starting again while I write this unplanned post. I am sure that I am not the only person that gets flashbacks. People in psychiatry call it Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. I was never a soldier, but I am a Moya Moya survivor. Per my therapist Evelyn says I have it due to my growing up in a very dysfunctional family; the strokes; my crash and burn; and Moya Moya. I know that I am not alone. Moya Moya survivors know when they had their surgeries and other milestones. They post their anniversaries on Facebook. I don’t post mine because I had a stroke after mine. I will say Mother’s Day in 2004 was the best because I got to see my babies again after 10 days in ICU.
Back to Friends that finale is a clear 30 minute memory not a snippet. I was placed in ICU near the two TV’s in the ward. I was awake and so many people were not. I might have cried because it was such a great ending. Now I am cry because I am flooded not great recollections. I remember being scared, actually terrified. Sh*t! I have another stroke! F&ck! I knew what I would go through in rehabilitation – the third time. I wanted to go home – out of the hospital. Anything to not be where I was! Wondering how long this will take. All of those memories flooded my peaceful Sunday morning.
My daughter Jenan came out when I was sobbing. By the way I hate sobbing in front of my family and friends. It is not pretty. She asked some questions thinking it because the show. I finally squeaked out “It is because of the memories and UCLA”. She gave me a much needed hug - a hug filled with love and feeling sorry for me. The best hug! After getting myself together I knew that I had to write about it.
Okay, I feel a little better after writing and crying some more. Hug your family a little tighter and enjoy your Sunday!